The Beatific Word - March 2nd, 2006

So here's something I wrote as kind of a laugh....

The Man Who Slept for Forty Years

System indicates increased brainwave activity.

Huhmumnuh...

Third Protocol, now running.

Someone...

Good morning, Mr. Davis.

Morning.

Your throat seems dry. Would you like some water?

Yeah.

There is a nipple hanging from the wall to your right. It will dispense water.

Ooh. Tastes like plastic.

You have been in a coma for forty years.

Huh. And I'm just now waking up?

Yes.

Shouldn't there be a doctor here?

Internal medicine is one of my many functions.

So you're my doctor.

Yes.

And you're, what, a computer? A robot or something?

In a manner of speaking.

Okay. Forty years, huh?

Forty-one years, three months, seventeen days.

So it's been longer than forty years.

Yes.

Is there maybe a human I can talk to?

I have been programmed to ease your reentry into society. I am here to help in any way I can. I have access to the Central Database.

I dunno... what happened to me?

An adverse reaction to a trace amount of cashew nut in a bagel purchased at Starbucks franchise #42138. This resulted in several successful lawsuits filed by your relatives on your behalf.

Really? So I'm rich?

I'm afraid that all the money was awarded to your wife.

Oh. I guess that's cool.

Of course she died soon after the settlement.

Really? How?

Her private jet went down off the coast of New Jersey.

Isn't there any way you could like, pulse all the information I'll need into my brain? Like The Matrix, you know? Or have you not seen that movie?

You will be pleased to know that, as her sole surviving family, the divorce not having been finalized, her money was awarded to you. Before Black Friday, you were indeed a wealthy man.

I'm not thrilled about how you phrased that last bit.

Would you be interested in some music from a popular oldies station?

No. You guys still got baseball in the future?

Yes, though I remind you that this is not longer the future. It is, in fact, the present.

Don't suppose I could get some scotch out of this little nipple thing.

It is possible, but like the water it would taste of plastic. Or so I'm told.

Too cool in the future to use glasses, I guess.

Glasses were deemed to be wasteful.

Screw it then.

You will find that things are not so much different now than from the time when you remember.

Yeah, you're right, I do have a lot of fond childhood memories of good times with my freakin' robotic buddies. On the moon.

According to the Central Database, robots did not becomes widespread until ten years after you fell into your coma. And your file says that you are from the Old United States, not the moon.

The 'Old' United States? Forget it, I don't want to know. Can I go back to my coma now?

I have archived audio highlights of various events that you missed. Would you like to know the Best Picture winner in 2037? Or perhaps you'd prefer to relive Super Bowl LXXXVIII?

Got any porn?

I do not understand your request.

Course not. How 'bout morphine? Still got morphine in the future?

You do not require morphine.

Kiss my ass.

I do not understand your request. Your behavior has become erratic, Mr. Davis. I'd hate to have to sedate you.

Okay, okay, I'll be good. So, uh, how'd it all turn out?

I do not understand your request.

You know, things. Did we get that Mideast thing sorted out? Did Ah-nuld become President? Did the Cubs ever manage to win it all?

The Mideast continues to be a tumultuous region. The Cubs won the World Series in 2017, precipitating the Great Chicago Riot. And according to my files, no one named 'Ahnuld' ever became President.

What about the oil thing? Gas has gotta be fifty bucks a gallon by now.

The discovery of inexpensive cold fusion was, according to learned opinion, one of the factors that led to Black Friday and the general collapse of world markets.

Huh. Go figure.

You know, I can do impressions. Would you like to hear some impressions?

THE END (or, the point where I decided that joke was wearing thin)

Tags: fiction

I feel like beating a bunch of people with sticks.

I'm sick of being on fucking hiatus.

My writing of late has been crap.

I have the social life of a fucking Benedictine monk. Hell, at least they all congregate in the monastery and go out amongst the poor and what not.

I'm just about ready to expose myself to radioactive waste to see if it gives me super powers (like head-explody).

Let's just say I'm in a bit of a woe-is-me, pass-the-Paxil mood.

Considering that pretty much every aspect of my life is in some sort of disarray (I know, I know, welcome to the club), I'm starting to think about who I'd give a big bear hug to were I wearing several pounds of C-4. This guy would probably be toward the top of the list. Him, and whichever nimrod within the Taliban that authorized the destruction of the gigantic Buddha statues in Bamiyan (assuming said douchebag hasn't already met his fate in some godforsaken cave along the afghan-pakistan border). Not that I'm a Buddhist, but if you can't respect massive statues that have stood for fifteen hundred years and resisted the destructive tendencies of Genghis Khan himself, well then you don't deserve to have that operant limbic system you're sporting.

All that being said, the right sort of media can put me in some approximation of a good mood, so I'm thinking about having 5-6 more beers and watching Princess Mononoke.

But the day I get head-explody, watch out, world. I've been keeping a list.

Like I was saying about media cheering me up (if it's the right media)....

So the first Batman movie is on cable (the first Burton batman movie, of course), and it's the scene where Joker ambushes Vicki Vale at the art gallery, and his whole big entrance thing (set to the dulcet tones of Prince) is where he and his gang deface a bunch of famous paintings: Blue Boy, a Degas ballerina painting, etc.... Now, as an art lover, the concept makes me shudder a bit, but I fucking LOVE the moment where one of his goons goes to deface the Francis Bacon painting of the howling man between the big shanks of beef, but the Joker stops him, saying 'I kinda like this one'.... SUCH a deadly moment, and proof positive that if anyone thinks there's a better superhero-movie bad guy than Nicholson as Joker, they were obviously dropped as a child.

I've got a bit of a smile on my face now... let's see how long it lasts.